- ab dilli door nahi -

everyone who knows me would realize how un – haivsh like it is for me to write anything in hindi, leave alone the very title of  a post!! but two weeks away from home – and it makes you do, and say, crazy things.

i have been in kanpur for two weeks and counting now, and i would come back to write about kanpur at a subsequent post very soon. today i missed home too much to be able to resist the urge to write a post.

i would understand if people jeer at me for wailing like a homesick child – but you miss home so much that i don’t even feel a tad embbarrased admitting that i am insanely missing home.

its a funny place to be in – and i am staying near the railway station to boot, which makes things even more impressive. though things are settling out here now, work and otherwise, i hope that i get to come back home soon.

to round up – an apology to everyone to make this mockery of a post – but it just feels so good to be able to relieve myself.

i will be back soon. thanks for the support

- another deathbed confession -

well thats putting it in too grisly a way perhaps, but its just a figure of speech. i will not – with confidence – be able to categorize myself as an atheist or otherwise. and it would be unjust to try and compartmentalize people into buckets and say conculsively apropos piety and devotion in a higher being. as for me – ‘agnostic’ would come as close to describing me in one word if i had to.

but lets leave that aside. after all the beauty of belief lies in the surreality and the ethereal. thats what makes it special. some things are better left unproven …

what i get riled about is the way people remember their gods with consummate selfishness when the times get tough. and sorry to say it but ‘better late than never‘ doesn’t quite cut it. for arguments sake, i would be candid enough to admit that when things go downhill (read: really messed up) i remember my gods and vow to purge my sins and assure the almighty that if only he brings me out of this conundrum i have got myself into alive i will never do it again. its funny eh’ ?!? i mean why in the world would a promise of abstinence matter to him. *whatever* its too complicated to merit a quick conclusive discussion.

again, i am not very religiously bent and on an issue like this my naivety would mean that i would not be able to take up a good strong stand. but yes, when it comes to issues like ‘karma‘ i staunchly advocate my own opinions and have on occasions had the privilege of having a nice discussion about the same. (note: hope you can identify yourselves to whom I am referring) a quick bite on ‘karma‘: (if I may risk such a grievous act of  summing it up in a few words) the way i see it – it just seems to be a very convenient way of saying that since your destiny is already pre written, it would be foolish and vain to try and work your way over it, since in any case your past sins will get the better of you. i might be a chronically depressed guy, but at least i have the gratification of knowing that i am responsible for my actions and i am prepared to face the consequences (in my case mostly repercussions) accordingly. saying that ‘karma‘ works – present life or past existence – just seems a way out for those refusing to face consequences. what annoys me particularly is that proponents of the whole ‘karma‘ theory – whenever they lose a fight or something – can walk off with their heads held high under the reasoning that it was inevitable that they would lose and that their past sins are responsible for it. ‘karma‘ gives too much of a let – off to people – people should not have that luxury – life s a bitch – always remember!

‘blissful ignorance’ – my brother had mentioned once – is the worst possible state of existence. the way i see it, it is the imminent doom of mankind. all i wish to achieve is that sort of spiritual enlightment which would enable me – on my deathbed – to not wish i had prayed more, or had more faith. i wish to die a contended man with a guilt – free heart.

- make mistakes -

oh don’t get me wrong – it is not an invitation of any sort for you to let go off your guard and make more mistakes (as if you need to!)

neither is it some cool insight i come out with every now and again. so don’t get peeved off if i sound a little lame to you.

the thing is that i went to this conference today on leadership to present a paper with my finance h.o.d. and Dr. Kiran Bedi was the Chief Guest. all in all it turned out to an uneventful day, but she came to the dais to speak (which went on and on and on) and she said a few cool things (which on gods – green – earth had absolutely ‘no’ connection with the conference theme of ‘leadership’) but in any case i found really insightful, and i thought it’d be neat to share them to you all before i forgot them … soon (i mean they were good, but you don’t expect me to remember them to heart, do you!!)

*ahem* any how, long speech short (lucky you – you are saved from the crappy parts); there were these two things she said which sort of struck a chord *twang*

1. she says life s always a slant – so its like you are either going up or down ala your luck always see saws. so its just a matter of assuring yourself that things will get better. and that joy and sorrow will keep on alternating (author s note: though the blessed ones get more of the former and losers get more of the latter)

2. upon being asked as to whether she made mistakes and how she copes up with it, she said (and this is good! – an apt interview answer) that she does not make mistakes. after all a mistake is a mistake only if you prolong it. if you take actions at the first sight of distress  and make an earnest endeavor to negate the ill effects of your mistake, it ceases to be a mistake. it is only when you keep on going on making the mistake that it becomes … well … a mistake!

it makes some sense, doesn’t it. after all i have seen that making a mistake is like a vicious circle – and once you make it you get entangled into a downward spiral and things just go on getting worse. case in example: i had a tough time when i started dieting about 4 years back, and i remeber that i was near – anorexic and refused to eat more than 12 – 1300 cals a day. i used to hate me when i would gorge even a little. it was just that when i would indulge a little that i would feel so ashamed and disgruntled that i would – well – eat more! this is in fact the biggest and the baddest reflex to get over. one should understand that one binge eating session is not gonna make you any fatter. one just needs to be pragmatic, patient and assure yourself that ‘its alright – no harm done‘.

anyhow … moving on … i’m getting carried away. the point is that what she said made such beautiful sense – i got like a big wake up call when i heard her. unquestionably that female is an over – achiever and is a born optimist, and any attempt whatsoever to emulate her would only lead to failure  if i try. but i got a fresh outlook at life, and i can imagine how handsomely this sort of an approach will work

a. it will make sure you do not carry on your mistake

b. it will make sure that you remain an optimist

plus i feel this sort of a mindset enables you to have a more risk – taking approach; since you can always appease yourself by reassuring yourself that “well … i can always correct my mistake!!”  

authors (worried) note: at the outset i would like to apologize to everyone in case you found this post lame. (please ignore if you liked it – god knows i could do with some (positive) comments) its just that this sort of a post sort of restricts my free – writing skills and i am forced to constrain my demeanor to a more formal outlook. i don’t know – i feel it is a crime to write such things. me?!? trying to make others optimistic ?!? hA – funny (duh)

- god … er … google save the world –

The selfless, good natured do – gooder samaritan that I am, I did not have the heart to refuse my Professor some chore he gave me. His daughter had been given an assignment wherein she had to make a small presentation on France, listing its monuments, cuisines, festivals and stuff. I thought it would be a neat idea to come out with something imaginative for the cover slide. After a lot of thought (ensuing which I found myself incapable of thinking anything beyond the French kiss); I decided to restrain my creative outbursts and opt for something a little less … flamboyant.

So I decided finally to write “Have a look at France” in French on the cover slide – a neat little touch, little knowing how close I came to jeopardizing the poor girl’s French assignment. Here s what happened: the technocrat that I am, I googled a translation for “Have a look at France” and bumped into this fantastic site (so it seemed then) where there was an actual sentence translator! So apparently all I had to do was to type the sentence in the first box and lo – presto! the translation would magically appear in the lower box. Elated at my evident genius (and luck) to bump into this piece of fascinating software, I grinned to myself and tested out a few sample words. Satisfied that it did work, without any further ado I typed “Have a look at France” – waiting with bated breath for the translation. It came without any fuss and I nearly jumped with joy.

And here is where my good providence saved me. Curious as I am, I reversed the process and copied the french translation into the first box. And … hold your breath … the translation was ‘Have a trash at France’. I was flabbergasted and recoiled at the shock. I tried out a few more sentences both the ways (English – French & French – English) and I was horrified at the results. They were all askew. And wonder of wonders … all the translations had the same theme but had a crooked twist to it. It was so striking that I could not help but think of some practical half – ass buffoon doing this on purpose. Thanking my gods I settled for a simple “Have a look at France” for the cover slide. (in English)

——————–

My near – death faux pas aside, I cursed all these idiotic applications on the Internet whose sole purpose seems to be to have fun at other’s expense. Look at Wikipedia, for example. It is insane as to how much harsh criticism it receives due to its lack of reliability. I am not very sure if the complaints are warranted. Wikipedia is not purporting to be a stinking –clean repository of information – I, for one am not exactly altogether concerned about the quality of information – it is good enough for me. I remember a critic once said that the site is like a public toilet seat – and you don’t know who last used it (apparently referring to the ability of random anonymous users to modify articles).

Anyhow, I do not intend to debate Wikipedia’s moral issues (after all half my batch in M.B.A. used to shamelessly rip off assignments off Wikipedia – and to them it is nothing short of a demi – god). What I was more interested to do was to – just for arguments sake – think how life would be without google and without the internet. It is just that my era seems to have taken things for granted and I can feel the embarrassment inside me when due to er … paucity of time I had to rip things off the Internet. I knew that is not how things are meant to be. After all the whole purpose of doing your M.B.A. is defeated if one avoids readings books like they are taboo or something.

It would be dumb to even think about questioning the benefits of the Internet and of having information at our easy disposal. I have absolutely nothing against that. And to make things clear – I was not exactly into academic book reading either. It is just that the Internet has naturally evolved with us and seems to be pandering to public wants – that is what – I don’t know – irritates me?

As a fresh neonate M.B.A., I just feel hollow at times. I really do not know what the reason is. It is not that I advocate the 80s and the 90s education and ban the Internet or something. It’s just that I call for a little discretion on the users end as to how they use it. Trust me; I know my way around the Internet – I mean I really know my way around it – and I could tell you for a fact how easy it is to deceit others and shamelessly rip off stuff and get good grades and all. But I have always staunchly refrained from doing this and it hurts me to see students and faculties too take shortcuts unabashedly and act very proud about it. I just hope that in academics and stuff – a little personal monitoring is exacted.

And god save you from the ominous translators. Amen!!  

- it “is” a cruel world -

i am not much of an animal enthusiast, never have been; and to be frank i could not care less about animal issues (hell i got my own issues)

i am not gonna exactly be a popular guy out here when i say this but i could not care whether they live / die, whatever. and its not lack of information that i had a callous approach. i very well know about how they mistreat animals in labs, how they kill them for their fur etc. its just that i am blissfully unconcerned about the issues.

sure … i look at all the peta (people for ethical treatment of animals) articles that frequent the ‘international news’ section in newspapers; not because i have any particular interest in them – but its fun to ogle at all the women clad in body paint and lettuce leaves and stuff.

sure … they got my attention everytime, and when one sees all the celebs associated with the cause, it seems to be a genuine deal. but like i said i could not be less concerned.

i won’t be too astray when i admit that i have had a change of heart. i got this mail, a forward about how they kill animals for fur, and they had a video attached with it. it did come with a warning that it’s strongly suggested not to watch it (but when someone says that – you know people will watch it)

long story short – it was a video about animal hoarding and killing for fur in China – which, as it turns out, is supplying 50 % of the United States fur demand. so this guy (a peta activist) had encroached the farm and had this long, and insanely disturbing video shot. they had all these animals flung about, kicked, pelted, knocked over – and the excruciating part was that these animals were still alive. then their skin was literally peeled off them.

i can spare you the details – hope you get the hang of it.

———————–

so like a proper i’ll – do – my – best – for – world citizen i forwarded the mail to everybody. (god knows what good that will do!) but on my brothers’ suggestion i decided to blog on this.

see … i am not even sure how to react. its not like i am gonna have nightmares or anything. its just that it is deeply disturbing. and i am at a loss as to how to react. i did some study about peta and other such organizations, and it turns out that there is more to it than nude models and “i’d – rather – go – naked – than – wear – fun” campaigns. they do have a point. but think about it – i’m not an expert on this but i am pretty sure that animal – testing is indispensable for scientists and research laboratories. you can’t one blue day shut the whole concept down. its not feasible.

yes, to the hasty mind – it would be easy to suggest that we can at least stop buying fur, poaching and eating non – veg. but is it all so obvious? naa … i don’t think so.

there is more to this whole thing than what appears on face value. i don’t expect you all to drop everything at hand and do something about this – but you can spare a thought (whatever good that might bring to the world)

i’m really at a loss as to how i feel about this …

about peta: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People_for_the_Ethical_Treatment_of_Animals

the video: http://www.peta.org/feat/ChineseFurFarms/index.asp

- just die -

i said this might be the last day of my life
she said couldn’t i die any sooner

i shrugged and smiled, said “you’ll have your day”
she groaned at me and said – “oh just go away!!”

life s a bitch they say – and truly it was one that spoke to me
don’t get me wrong now, folks – i ain’t talking about a girl, you see!!

trust me, ‘me – talking – to – myself‘, seems the most practical thing
when the whole world’s out to get you, fuck, hear me sing

see me groan about the ills of life, and all the demons on my shoulder
they mutter and chatter and eat my soul; oh! if only i was a little bolder

i would have told them “go away – i don’t need you no more; i got a life!“
trust me, folks – my mind s a crazy place to be – oh you should see the strife

its like i’m my own worst enemy,
its like i want to see me in pain
maim me, kill me and bring me back from the dead
just to fuck me again

seriously … you don’t need to see me banter
what good will it do to you

oh wait, i’ll tell you
at the “depression anonymous” meetings; maybe i’ll see you too

hey that’s a ray of sunshine, hard to come by these days
darkness fills my soul, oh heck!  someone make it go away

but life moves on, drags on; why wait to tell the world ‘goodbye‘
you want a million reasons to stop living, i’ll give you the best – *boom*

just die

- join the club -

hate, hate to admit it – but to be frank; i have absolutely no clue why I have done an m.b.a.

i mean yeah i got placed and stuff and well … who s not an m.b.a. today, seriously.

its not like i am prophesizing the end of the world as you know it just because we mba s are a crazed out lot – but it’s just that we need to stop deceiving ourselves and learn to live with the fact that we are mechanically doing our mba s and not getting any smarter at it.

just – for arguments sake - keep out all the top tier colleges for a while; and what remains are the hundreds of fakers out there offering a degree just for the heck of it. they know that they will survive – since there is a geometric increase in mba aspirants every year; who in turn have to do their mba since the situations demands it – you would hardly see any half decent job looking for a non – mba.

WTF!

we used to make all these funny jokes about mba colleges merely minting money and luring candidates; having absolutely no concern for imparting education as we know it; but merely showing them a promise of a good job. but hey genius … explain this to me:

you cannot expect to make your students undergo a complete makeover in 2 years. what happens is that the good get better; while the bad get even worse since the good are getting further ahead.

i remember having this discussion with my mum, and what she said was that since i managed to do so well at my college, I could (should) have perhaps waited for another attempt at CAT and possibly have entered some other college. and here is where the sentimental mother makes the dumb mistake – of hoping against hope.

usually i would have had been careless enough and would have turned a deaf ear and ignored the comment; not deeming it worth a reply – but somehow that day i thought i’ll make her understand things as they are:

(this is what i told her) what parents fail to understand is that entering a good college is not a one – off case; its not like if i had prepared well for my entrance i would have entered a good college and everything would have had been hunky dory. it does not work out this way! the simple reason being that entering a college is not about that one single breakthrough effort at clearing an entrance – there is more to it. all these iim passouts you see – have you ever seen one who was not an achiever their whole life – nada – never!

as for me – i have had an average life and have been mediocre at best; having my own complications to deal with – you cannot expect me to simply break my bondages one fine day and do something unheard of before! it simply pans out like this – every now and then you will see a true sob story of how an impoverished guy made it big. but on the whole you will never see the iit / iim guys late flourishers in life!

—————–

its difficult to try and end this post. i feel so deep about this issue that i want to say more. but i hope i get my point across. please note that in my candidness i might have sounded harsh; but it is not asperity with which i talk – it is not my endeavor to make you feel demotivated or let down, or to suggest that you should learn to compromise with ambitions. my sole intention is to implore that you take a reality check, so to say – and be true to yourself when you reach out to bigger, and better things in life.

all the best 

authors note: for those curious, i got the idea of writing after a print ad in a magazine i happened to look through – there was this college – “Synergy something – something” - and their motto was “learn – to – earn“

i am sure that their intention was simply to be straightforward – but it was so darn funny – i mean who will buy that, seriously?

- the bald dermatologist -

its funny ‘eh – being in certain positions in life means you have to face the fact that there are certain presumptions people will have (and rightly) that – well – you have to pay heed to.

- think about it -

i remember that when Dr. Atkins (behind the revolutionary and controversial ‘Atkins Diet‘) died in 2003, there were a lot of articles saying that the guy was himself overweight! Cool, huh. i remember laughing myself crazy that day (i could practically imagine all those dieters flinging their Atkins – reduce – weight – books and going for a binge session that night – the poor devils!)

moving on … this friend of mine has got placed at HCL recently and she wanted a new haircut. so (the samaritan that i am) i had gone to a salon today with her – ‘blondes n bliss’. and no – its not some elaborate scheme connived by them to garner publicity – and i didn’t get paid by them for publicity (though i won’t mind if that happened!)

author’s note: its another matter that i found neither any blondes nor any bliss out there *sigh*

so it suddenly hit me how funny it would be if dermatologists grow bald. i mean – come on – going bald is in your genes, right! what assurance does a dermatologist (or whatever you call a hair / scalp doc) have that he won’t go bald. i mean would you go to a doc with a receding hairline or a disappearing crown *shudder* for all you know it is being caused by his own homemade concoctions and / or his own wrong judgment. i don’t know about you guys but I won’t trust such a guy!!

so here s how it sums up:

dieticians have to stay slim

dermatologists have to have shiny bouncy hair

dentists have to have a pearly 32

and so on …

life’s tough really. you have to go – with – the – flow, so to say!

best of luck docs – better get in shape!!  

- when life gives you lemons, make lemonade -

it’s not exactly a very well kept secret that often we underestimate all that life has given us – it’s our tendency to be blissfully ignorant of all that we have been endowed with and all that is beautiful in life. and as much as it is true that we ignore the good things, it is equally – if not more – true that we all get some gratification when we listen to others sob stories and we thank ourselves and appreciate ourselves a lot more.

this post of mine is just an earnest endeavor to make you guys appreaciate the same! maybe you need the pep – up; maybe you do not – but I hope you get some thing out of this.

Phase 1

*whew* i remember my early college days – way back in graduation – and as to how everybody used to crib about college and most of the things attached to it. I remember how they used to say “man – i miss school days … where have those days gone!!‘; and I remember how I used to be amused, even astounded at the intense attachment these guys had to their school – the teachers, the life, their chums – everything about it! See – for me, graduation was a coming – out period. That was when life became a little more meaningful for me – and caught just a little more, but enough momentum to take me through those 3 years pleasantly, and eventually when I did my M.B.A. I consiously ventured out – and accomplished – to make those 2 years undoubtedly the best years of my life.

but I’ve jumped a lot of explanations. i got carried away. a little about my school life:

i spent 14 years at the same place – and though for many this would mean strong relationships and friends and strong memories – for me, those 14 years are pretty much … well …  a ‘lost time‘. It is like those years just went away and I have nothing to take away from them.

i started out as a tremendously shy guy – and unlike such behavior which sort of goes away as you mature – it never went away. in retrospect if I talk to my mum about this (and it is only now after when I am 20 – something that I can – I never used to talk to her about these things before), or somebody else – it is difficult to explain to them how grave this thing became – and how I have come out of it only in the last 2 years or something – and how, even today – internally I feel hollow at times, and the shyness still rears its ugly head.

long story short, i was pretty much a bloody loser throughout my school life. i mean I didn’t exactly suck at anything – but I was just this mediocre – non – existent guy. I wasn’t breathtaking in academics (and scraped my way through 12th boards); I was never into any form of physical activity or sports. i was creative though – something I still credit myself for – I used to write poems and stuff. and yeah i was always a good artist – since my kindergarten days. till about 5th standard or something I was really good and used to win prizes and stuff – but after that due to lack of guidance and lack of confidence I could never be as good as I could have been.

but i’m a natural as an artist – the sort of realization that only comes after a certain age. and i pride myself for that.

so here’s the bottomline: i was obese, ridiculously shy, a thorough (all – round) non – achiever [- nice oxymoron -], chronically depressed, a compulsive loner … I had practically no friends – no life – nothing!

————————

Phase 2

graduation was the ‘stabilization period’ for me (as I love to call it now) and I have a lot to take from that time. I made some life – long friends, I did well academically (long time coming) and – you know – i basically found out what it means to have a normal life.

my M.B.A. turned out to be the harbringer of good times (and boy did I need them). i ended up topping my college, got the best placement; i was part of almost all committees and events and stuff, I finally came out of my shell – and my chronic depression finally stopped being chronic.

————————

trust me … guys out there (especially in blogs) say it all the time that they were unsure what they are writing about / writing for in the first place. as for me … i am cruelly introspective by nature – and will never dare write something without being dead sure about it. this time though, even though at the outset I was pretty sure as to what I intended to write and what my purpose was – by now I am unsure whether this even warrants being posted.

but hey – it’s not like I am paying for it to be posted or anything, right?!    and after all, crowds love rags – to – riches story – or so they say. perhaps you think I am just asking for attention, maybe you feel I want a show of sympathy. and to be frank – maybe you are right. I do really appreciate that. but a greater sense of accomplishment would be if I am able to make you guys start appreciating life more.

the reason the thought of writing this thing came to me was when i went to my school recently (my mom has been a teacher in the same school for the last 20 years and I go frequently to meet her) and coincidentally the farewell was being held for the passing out batch. all those happy faces – laughing, smiling, having fun … it would be cruel to even say that I was jealous – but let’s just say I felt sad at missing out on those things in life.

though when you think about it – maybe with my broken personality I never wanted that in the first place, or maybe I did. I am not sure what I do want!!

all I know is that those ‘lost years’ ended up with me having a strange outlook at life, perhaps something that can never be mended completely. and i hope you guys, whenever you are feeling low, thank your stars for having a normal life – for trust me when you say … what’s so special about having a normal life … try to ask someone who has seen the other side!!

- Life s a bitch -

Here s some newsflash to get you all acquainted with my present dismal state of being: ‘I’ started a blog – with honest – to – good ambitions of having some fun, entertaining readers, and providing a vent for my own thoughts. And what happened?! – turns out that everybody else seems to have been motivated by my own innocent pursuits and have started their own blogs! Is that unfair, or is that unfair! To compound the problem, I seem to have banged headfirst into a towering hurdle of writer’s block – and what a bloody perfect time for that, too!

*sigh* life’s unfair, I guess. My cousin, who it seems has retired from all activities in life and seems to have a monomania (of writing blogs) is churning out new articles with the same ferocity and the same rapidity akin to Clint Eastwood movies (though the blogs are much more fun, must say). It’s not like I have anything against him – on the contrary I am real happy to see some familial relation meeting unprecedented success with his writing. It’s just that I was a little disheartened at my inability to write articles with the ease that I had presumed – incorrectly.

Moving on, though … I am not one to grudge over things that are not meant to be – and I asked myself a larger question – who do I write for anyway. See, one of the reasons I am unable (or unwilling) to pen down all of my thoughts (lest I reveal jeopardize state secrets ) is because it matters to me whether people reading it will find it humorous and entertaining – and with somebody like me, whose ability to entertain constantly is hopelessly wayward – there are moments when I would be as funny as a animal documentary.

Guess I need to reconcile myself with the fact that it’s an impossible task to expect to write more frequently and also be concerned about how people rate it. Guess I should just keep on ranting … err … writing – and hope that a few hit on target.

Nonetheless … it is incredible fun to write per se (even something as sordid and immaterial as this blog) and I hope I get back to my breakthrough writing ways soon.

Hope I get your support

my cousin’s blog (worth a look): zealofheretic.wordpress.com